The Jōrni Podcast

Episode 424 - Unconscious Relationship Patterns with Alfina Lofaro

Alfina Lofaro · October 23, 2026

Life Coach · Author · Relationships · Leadershipin

Interview with Alfina Lofaro

Podcast: The Jōrni Podcast

October 23, 2026 · 35 min

October 23, 2026 The Jōrni Podcast Episode 424 - Unconscious Relationship Patterns with Alfina Lofaro This episode contains strong language and listener discretion is advised. We might change our jobs or our partners, just to find that later the same situation repeats in a new…

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Episode 424 - Unconscious Relationship Patterns with Alfina Lofaro

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Key topicsThe Relationship You Have With Yourself Changes Every Other RelationshipWe often think of relationships as being about other people - our partner, our children, our family, our colleagues or our clients. But the relationship that quietly shapes all of them is the one we have with ourselves. Alfina Lofaro is passionate about helping people see that the patterns they bring into relationships don't exist in isolation. The same person who struggles to say no at work may struggle to set boundaries at home. The person who constantly puts everyone else's needs first may do the same with money, health, family or their own dreams. And the person who has learned to seek approval or avoid conflict can find themselves repeating those patterns across completely different areas of life. With more than two decades as a kinesiologist, coach, educator, speaker and leadership facilitator, Alfina has spent years exploring the unconscious patterns that influence how people communicate, protect themselves and connect. Her own experience of giving so much of herself away before recognising what was happening has made this more than a professional conversation - it is one she understands personally. Through Love Deliberately, Alfina invites people to look at relationships more consciously: not just asking, “What are they doing to me?” but also, “How am I showing up, and what might I need to understand about myself?” Her message is that healthier relationships don't begin with changing everyone around us. They begin with becoming more conscious of the patterns we bring to the relationship - and learning to choose differently.You do not trust someone with your relationship struggles until they sound human enough to understand themMany people avoid relationship advice because it can feel polished, clinical or impossible to relate to, especially when the expert appears to have had love figured out from the beginning. Alfina opens up a more human conversation by sharing how her own early beliefs around earning love, working hard and giving more than she received shaped her relationships for decades. Rather than positioning herself above the listener, she uses lived examples to show what unconscious patterns actually look like in real life, from friendships and work to marriage and family. This gives audiences permission to stop judging themselves and start noticing the quiet relationship habits that may be costing them connection. One Yes at a Time: How We Give Ourselves Away Without Even Realising ItAlfina Lofaro knows what it feels like to become the person everyone can rely on - saying yes when you mean no, taking on more than is yours to carry, avoiding conflict, and gradually putting yourself at the bottom of your own priority list. After spending years overgiving in her own life, Alfina discovered that the biggest shifts don't always begin with a dramatic decision. Sometimes they begin with recognising the pattern behind thousands of tiny choices. With more than two decades as a kinesiologist, coach, educator and leadership facilitator, Alfina brings both professional insight and lived experience to this conversation. She explores why highly capable, intelligent and successful women can know intellectually that they need boundaries, yet still find themselves unable to say no in the moment. Her work looks beneath the conscious decision to the unconscious beliefs that can drive our behaviour - beliefs such as I have to earn love, I need to be useful, or people won't accept me if I disappoint them. Alfina can help listeners recognise where they may be giving away their time, energy, money and attention one “yes” at a time - and how becoming more conscious of those patterns can change the way they relate to themselves and everyone around them.View all topics →

About Alfina Lofaro

Kinesiologist, Coach & Author of Love Deliberately

20+ years Experience in education, coaching & kinesiology2 Amazon bestselling books2 Awards & grants won in 2026BA (Honours) Australian Catholic University, 2002

Alfina Lofaro is an author, speaker, kinesiologist, coach and leadership facilitator who helps people understand the unconscious patterns shaping the way they love, communicate and show up in their relationships.

Growing up on a 300-acre farm in rural Queensland as the daughter of Italian migrants, Alfina learned early that belonging could feel conditional - and that being good, helpful and dependable could be a way of earning love. For much of her life, she responded by doing more, giving more and becoming the person everyone could rely on.

It took years, and a painful chapter of her own life, for Alfina to recognise the cost of continually saying yes when she meant no, putting other people's needs first and giving away her time, energy and attention without realising what was driving the pattern.

That experience became a turning point.

Today, Alfina speaks to a powerful and often overlooked truth: knowing what you should do is not always enough to change what you actually do. Beneath conscious beliefs are unconscious programs that can influence how we communicate, avoid conflict, seek approval, tolerate unhealthy dynamics and repeatedly give ourselves away - sometimes one small yes at a time.

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About this episode

October 23, 2026

The Jōrni Podcast

Episode 424 - Unconscious Relationship Patterns withAlfina Lofaro

This episode contains strong language and listener discretion is advised.

We might change our jobs or our partners, just to find that later the same situation repeats in a new setting or with different people. Our patterns reach into our relationships with friends, loved ones, health, work, and even money, which is usually the point at which we start to wonder if we are the cause of it.

What we learned about love as children is the foundation of our unconscious relationship patterns as adults, which makes them hard to see and understand. Uncovering a pattern is what ends its influence, and can give us back agency over our lives. The first relationship that changes is the one we have with ourselves.

ALFINA LOFARO

Alfina Lofaro grew up on a 300-acre farm in rural Queensland as the daughter of Italian migrants. From an early age, she learned to associate love with approval and belonging with achievement.

For years, she tried to prove her worth through career success, qualifications and caring for others, while overlooking the relationship she had with herself. A painful period in her own life led her to examine the unconscious patterns that shape communication, conflict, approval-seeking and connection.

That experience became the foundation of Love Deliberately, her work helping people build healthier relationships through trust, boundaries, compassion, communication and self-awareness.

With more than two decades of experience as a kinesiologist, coach, educator, author, speaker and leadership facilitator, Alfina helps audiences understand how the way they relate to themselves and others influences every area of life—and how they can begin to love more consciously and deliberately.

RESOURCES

https://www.alfinalofaro.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/alfina-lofaro-bb222b91/

https://www.instagram.com/alfinalofaro/

https://www.facebook.com/alfina.lofaro

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