Life Over 40

You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern

Alfina Lofaro · July 23, 2026

Life Coach · Author · Relationships · Leadershipin

Interview with Alfina Lofaro

You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern — Alfina Lofaro

Podcast: Life Over 40

July 23, 2026 · 1 hr 1 min

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You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern

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Key topicsThe Relationship You Have With Yourself Changes Every Other RelationshipWe often think of relationships as being about other people - our partner, our children, our family, our colleagues or our clients. But the relationship that quietly shapes all of them is the one we have with ourselves. Alfina Lofaro is passionate about helping people see that the patterns they bring into relationships don't exist in isolation. The same person who struggles to say no at work may struggle to set boundaries at home. The person who constantly puts everyone else's needs first may do the same with money, health, family or their own dreams. And the person who has learned to seek approval or avoid conflict can find themselves repeating those patterns across completely different areas of life. With more than two decades as a kinesiologist, coach, educator, speaker and leadership facilitator, Alfina has spent years exploring the unconscious patterns that influence how people communicate, protect themselves and connect. Her own experience of giving so much of herself away before recognising what was happening has made this more than a professional conversation - it is one she understands personally. Through Love Deliberately, Alfina invites people to look at relationships more consciously: not just asking, “What are they doing to me?” but also, “How am I showing up, and what might I need to understand about myself?” Her message is that healthier relationships don't begin with changing everyone around us. They begin with becoming more conscious of the patterns we bring to the relationship - and learning to choose differently.One Yes at a Time: How We Give Ourselves Away Without Even Realising ItAlfina Lofaro knows what it feels like to become the person everyone can rely on - saying yes when you mean no, taking on more than is yours to carry, avoiding conflict, and gradually putting yourself at the bottom of your own priority list. After spending years overgiving in her own life, Alfina discovered that the biggest shifts don't always begin with a dramatic decision. Sometimes they begin with recognising the pattern behind thousands of tiny choices. With more than two decades as a kinesiologist, coach, educator and leadership facilitator, Alfina brings both professional insight and lived experience to this conversation. She explores why highly capable, intelligent and successful women can know intellectually that they need boundaries, yet still find themselves unable to say no in the moment. Her work looks beneath the conscious decision to the unconscious beliefs that can drive our behaviour - beliefs such as I have to earn love, I need to be useful, or people won't accept me if I disappoint them. Alfina can help listeners recognise where they may be giving away their time, energy, money and attention one “yes” at a time - and how becoming more conscious of those patterns can change the way they relate to themselves and everyone around them.You do not trust someone with your relationship struggles until they sound human enough to understand themMany people avoid relationship advice because it can feel polished, clinical or impossible to relate to, especially when the expert appears to have had love figured out from the beginning. Alfina opens up a more human conversation by sharing how her own early beliefs around earning love, working hard and giving more than she received shaped her relationships for decades. Rather than positioning herself above the listener, she uses lived examples to show what unconscious patterns actually look like in real life, from friendships and work to marriage and family. This gives audiences permission to stop judging themselves and start noticing the quiet relationship habits that may be costing them connection. View all topics →

About Alfina Lofaro

Kinesiologist, Coach & Author of Love Deliberately

20+ years Experience in education, coaching & kinesiology2 Amazon bestselling books2 Awards & grants won in 2026BA (Honours) Australian Catholic University, 2002

Alfina Lofaro is an author, speaker, kinesiologist, coach and leadership facilitator who helps people understand the unconscious patterns shaping the way they love, communicate and show up in their relationships.

Growing up on a 300-acre farm in rural Queensland as the daughter of Italian migrants, Alfina learned early that belonging could feel conditional - and that being good, helpful and dependable could be a way of earning love. For much of her life, she responded by doing more, giving more and becoming the person everyone could rely on.

It took years, and a painful chapter of her own life, for Alfina to recognise the cost of continually saying yes when she meant no, putting other people's needs first and giving away her time, energy and attention without realising what was driving the pattern.

That experience became a turning point.

Today, Alfina speaks to a powerful and often overlooked truth: knowing what you should do is not always enough to change what you actually do. Beneath conscious beliefs are unconscious programs that can influence how we communicate, avoid conflict, seek approval, tolerate unhealthy dynamics and repeatedly give ourselves away - sometimes one small yes at a time.

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About this episode

Download your Identity Audit resource: https://lifeover40withjese.myflodesk.com/identityaudit

Have you ever found yourself asking...

"Why does this keep happening?"

Whether it's dating the same type of person, struggling to set boundaries, outgrowing friendships, or feeling emotionally exhausted, many of us unknowingly repeat relationship patterns that keep us stuck.

In this episode of Life Over 40, I sit down with relationship coach and authorAlfina Lofaroto explore why our childhood experiences, beliefs, and unconscious habits continue to shape our relationships well into adulthood—and, more importantly, how we can begin to change them.

This conversation isn't just about romantic relationships. It's about the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, your family, your career, and the life you're intentionally creating after 40.

If you've been craving healthier relationships, more joy, and a deeper understanding of yourself, this episode is for you.

In this episode, we discuss:

✔️ Why we repeat the same relationship patterns

✔️ How childhood experiences influence adult relationships

✔️ The importance of self-awareness and curiosity

✔️ Setting healthy boundaries without creating conflict

✔️ Why safety and trust matter in every relationship

✔️ People-pleasing, communication, and emotional patterns

✔️ How to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships after 40

About Alfina Lofaro:

Alfina Lofaro is a relationship coach, kinesiologist, speaker, and author of Love Deliberately. She helps people uncover the unconscious patterns shaping their relationships so they can build deeper, healthier, and more fulfilling connections.

AlfinaLofaro.com - https://AlfinaLofaro.com

Love Deliberately (Book) - https://amazon.com/search?q=Love+Deliberately+Alfina+Lofaro

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Alfina's background

02:10 Why relationships are a reflection of self

04:04 The importance of nurturing all types of relationships

06:01 Trust as a foundational element in every relationship

08:06 Common relationship patterns in women over forty

09:58 The impact of childhood and cultural conditioning

11:50 How to recognize and change unconscious patterns

13:52 The role of safety and trust in love and connection

15:48 Practical steps for self-awareness and curiosity