Life Over 40

You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern

Alfina Lofaro · July 23, 2026

Life Coach · Author · Relationships · Leadershipin

Interview with Alfina Lofaro

You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern — Alfina Lofaro

Podcast: Life Over 40

July 23, 2026 · 1 hr 1 min

Listen to Alfina Lofaro on Life Over 40.

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You're Not Choosing the Wrong People… You're Repeating a Pattern

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Key topicsYou do not trust someone with your relationship struggles until they sound human enough to understand themMany people avoid relationship advice because it can feel polished, clinical or impossible to relate to, especially when the expert appears to have had love figured out from the beginning. Alfina opens up a more human conversation by sharing how her own early beliefs around earning love, working hard and giving more than she received shaped her relationships for decades. Rather than positioning herself above the listener, she uses lived examples to show what unconscious patterns actually look like in real life, from friendships and work to marriage and family. This gives audiences permission to stop judging themselves and start noticing the quiet relationship habits that may be costing them connection. Relationship Debt — What Founders Owe the People Who Got Them HereAlfina Lofaro has spent more than 20 years as a kinesiologist and coach helping people see the patterns they bring into every relationship, and she applies the same lens to business. Most founders treat trust, boundaries and repair as private matters, then wonder why the partnership soured, the team went quiet, or the client stopped calling. She argues that the relationships behind a growing business run on the same unconscious habits people carry at home: earning approval, avoiding conflict, giving more than they receive. Drawing on Love Deliberately and 15 years running personal development workshops, she shows what repair actually looks like between a founder and the people around them. Listeners leave able to name the one business relationship they have been quietly letting slide, and what to say to fix it.Load Bearing — what lockdown exposed about relationships once every wall had to carry weightWhen the distractions disappeared in 2020, Alfina Lofaro watched couples, families and friendships find out what they had actually built. A kinesiologist, coach and award-winning author of Love Deliberately with more than 20 years in practice, she argues lockdown did not cause the strain, it removed everything that had been hiding it: the commute, the calendar, the busyness that let people avoid each other politely. She walks through what people learned about trust, boundaries, communication and repair when there was nowhere else to be, and why the same patterns crept back once life filled up again. She names the habits that held under pressure and the ones that folded. Listeners leave able to test their own relationships without waiting for the next thing that clears the calendar.View all topics →

About Alfina Lofaro

Kinesiologist, Coach & Author of Love Deliberately

20+ years Experience in education, coaching & kinesiology2 Amazon bestselling books2 Awards & grants won in 2026BA (Honours) Australian Catholic University, 2002

Alfina Lofaro is an author, speaker, kinesiologist, coach and leadership facilitator who helps people understand the unconscious patterns shaping the way they love, communicate and show up in their relationships.

Growing up on a 300-acre farm in rural Queensland as the daughter of Italian migrants, Alfina learned early that belonging could feel conditional - and that being good, helpful and dependable could be a way of earning love. For much of her life, she responded by doing more, giving more and becoming the person everyone could rely on.

It took years, and a painful chapter of her own life, for Alfina to recognise the cost of continually saying yes when she meant no, putting other people's needs first and giving away her time, energy and attention without realising what was driving the pattern.

That experience became a turning point.

Today, Alfina speaks to a powerful and often overlooked truth: knowing what you should do is not always enough to change what you actually do. Beneath conscious beliefs are unconscious programs that can influence how we communicate, avoid conflict, seek approval, tolerate unhealthy dynamics and repeatedly give ourselves away - sometimes one small yes at a time.

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About this episode

Download your Identity Audit resource: https://lifeover40withjese.myflodesk.com/identityaudit

Have you ever found yourself asking...

"Why does this keep happening?"

Whether it's dating the same type of person, struggling to set boundaries, outgrowing friendships, or feeling emotionally exhausted, many of us unknowingly repeat relationship patterns that keep us stuck.

In this episode of Life Over 40, I sit down with relationship coach and authorAlfina Lofaroto explore why our childhood experiences, beliefs, and unconscious habits continue to shape our relationships well into adulthood—and, more importantly, how we can begin to change them.

This conversation isn't just about romantic relationships. It's about the relationship you have with yourself, your friends, your family, your career, and the life you're intentionally creating after 40.

If you've been craving healthier relationships, more joy, and a deeper understanding of yourself, this episode is for you.

In this episode, we discuss:

✔️ Why we repeat the same relationship patterns

✔️ How childhood experiences influence adult relationships

✔️ The importance of self-awareness and curiosity

✔️ Setting healthy boundaries without creating conflict

✔️ Why safety and trust matter in every relationship

✔️ People-pleasing, communication, and emotional patterns

✔️ How to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships after 40

About Alfina Lofaro:

Alfina Lofaro is a relationship coach, kinesiologist, speaker, and author of Love Deliberately. She helps people uncover the unconscious patterns shaping their relationships so they can build deeper, healthier, and more fulfilling connections.

AlfinaLofaro.com - https://AlfinaLofaro.com

Love Deliberately (Book) - https://amazon.com/search?q=Love+Deliberately+Alfina+Lofaro

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Alfina's background

02:10 Why relationships are a reflection of self

04:04 The importance of nurturing all types of relationships

06:01 Trust as a foundational element in every relationship

08:06 Common relationship patterns in women over forty

09:58 The impact of childhood and cultural conditioning

11:50 How to recognize and change unconscious patterns

13:52 The role of safety and trust in love and connection

15:48 Practical steps for self-awareness and curiosity